The Labour Party
Eldon House
Regent Centre
Newcastle Upon Tyne
NE3 3PW

Dear, The Labour Party.

You came into power when I was ten years old. At the time my schoolmates and I were concerned about the implications of the Labour Party replacing the Conservatives, only because there was a rumour going around that if Tony Blair became Prime Minister he intended to extend the schoolday by two hours. So as you can imagine, my immediate opinion of you was not all that pleasant. Thankfully over the last ten years you've turned me right around, and I have to say I am somewhat a 'fan' of your wonderful organisation.

As a child, the first thing I noticed regarding your new ideas for the country was a remarkably large and swift influx of immigrant labour. I am from a working class background and my family members in the building trade were overjoyed at all the extra work they received from customers of unskilled, unqualified immigrant plumbers and electricians who had promised to do the job at an unrealistically low price. Not only that, but my knowledge of foreign cultures has been greatly expanded because of all the new languages I hear all the time, usually in the form of loud shouting from middle-Eastern teenagers who drive around at wonderfully vibrant speeds, narrowly-avoiding pedestrians in the process. I couldn't really tell you what these people shout at me, but I'm sure it's nothing racist, intolerant or threatening (unlike the bricks I had thrown at me at school by our non-English-speaking schoolmates). Thank you for bringing me closer to the people I've learned to love, considering any lesser emotion towards these people would get me sent down for racism!

Despite all this brilliance, I think the tackling of crime has been your most successful area of work. It's great to see a government stick to their guns (which, ironically, we're seeing a lot of these days) when it comes to the implementation of punishment; Over the last ten years you've stood up to ridiculous ideas such as the death penalty and the construction of new prisons, and have instead focused more on getting convicted criminals out of prison and back into society. Of course there are a few naysayers around who aren't exactly thrilled at having to share the streets with violent thugs, child molesters, rapists, thieves, drug addicts and murderers, but if you continue to ignore their opinions long enough I'm sure they'll forget their archaic values and will conform to your wonderful ideology. The parents of raped and murdered children sleep soundly at night knowing their taxes are providing the misunderstood individuals who killed their children with a roof over his or her head and three meals a day. Some of them even get DVD players.

The effects you've had on religion in this country has been nothing short of miraculous. As a young child I spent many-an-hour at school praising Jesus, praying to God and reciting hymns. Then whole school would pray before every school dinner, thanking God for providing us with the food we all wrongly assumed our parents had paid for. However, at the beginning of my fourth year at school, I discovered to my surprise that the traditional pray-first-eat-after system had been replaced by the eat-then-go-out-and-play system. Gradually over the following year or two I began to see less and less of the Christianity into which I'd been indoctrinated and more and more of other religions that I'd previously been totally unaware of because I'm a shut-in and I never watch the television, read books or look outside. I turned atheist before I turned ten, and received ridicule for doing so, despite being encouraged to embrace the countless other faiths that were being forced down my throat. Still without theism in 2007, I now hear that Christians are being discouraged from celebrating "Christmas", whatever that is, for fear of offending non-Christians. Bravo! There's nothing us non-Christians find more offensive than Christians taking one day out of the year to remember the birth of Jesus by giving presents, being together and enjoying life.

It's not just the interests of others that your policies improve though. Being highly interested in the media (cinema, music, etc) your courageous censorship laws keep myself and countless others well-informed as to what we can and can't see. Take films for example, the B.B.F.C. do a fantastic job of thoroughly examining everything available to us so that we, the viewer, are less likely to see anything which offends us. After spending £20 (almost four hours' wage) on Takashi Miike's 2001 film "Ichi the Killer", I was delighted to watch the film and realise it was missing certain footage. In fact, over three minutes of material that I'd paid for was not there! Being only eightteen years old at the time, I was obviously unable to decide what I do and do not want to see in the films I watch, so thank heavens the B.B.F.C. was there to make the decision for me! Although it raises the question; What about the dedicated censors who choose to butcher our DVDs? Are they driven to kill by what they see? We know for a fact that violence in the media causes people to go on killing sprees; as opposed to the widely-believed nonsense that what causes mental disfunction is living in a backwards, pseudo-Communist police state where decisions are made on behalf of the consumer. My heart goes out to those working to ensure I don't see any special effects that I couldn't handle. Just a suggestion: Perhaps we could start implementing this kind of procedure in restaurants. Say I go out for a meal and order steak, carrots and potatoes, but the waiter/waitress delivering my meal that I'm paying for doesn't like carrots. Let's give them the right to take the carrots off my plate but still charge me full price! It's the same concept as media censorship, so surely it would work.

You are really bringing us into the future. In the last ten years we've come on leaps and bounds as a country, and I'm sure our war veterans would agree. They might sit there with their medals in their freezing cold flats daydreaming about how they risked their own lives and saw their friends shot to pieces during World War 2, all to preserve freedom and everything Britain once stood for, but for Pete's sake, that was sixty years ago! You'd think they would have gotten over it by now! I mean all they did was endure hell so they could live to experience harassment and violent attack from yobs, I'm sure if they had known what a wonderful future they had instore for them the allies would have beaten the Nazis in twice the time it took, with or without the Americans. Although looking back it's a good job that America got involved with the war, as this I think brought the two countries closer together. When George W. Bush decided he wanted to invade Iraq, the justification for which turned out to be a lie, who was the first country he turned to for support? Britain! It's great knowing that British children are still being left with dead fathers so that our former Prime Minister Tony Bliar could snuggle up to the American President. I speak on behalf of the country when I say keep our boys over there as long as you see fit; The more of our soldiers you send to their deaths the better, as this will free up space back in Britain for the next wave of immigrants. Apparently a big reason why they travel across Europe to get in here isn't because of our over-generous benefits system or lenient punishments for crimes, it's to marvel in wonder at our glorious towns and cities, made ever more dynamic by what's known as "vibrant urban neon-coloured improvisational wall art." You wouldn't believe how many youths can scribble their names into the windows of one bus shelter, it's truly inspiring. As is the way our boring street ornaments such as telephone boxes and road signs are being constantly updated by other similairly-creative youths. While driving, my friends and I play a game where we see who can spot the most telephone boxes on the side of the road we're closest to. You get one point for a regular telephone box, and four-thousand points for a telephone box which has all its windows intact. Obviously the "four-thousand points" thing is an in-joke among us, as we know we'll never see such a crazy idea in real life.

Well, I won't take up any more of your time. I'll seal this envelope and walk down to the post box so you can read my letter of appreciation to you. There was a time when I would've driven down to said post box, but after seeing a row of bicycles chained outside the houses of Parliament I have decided to go environmentally friendly for life. Keep up the good work. Don't change a thing about what you're doing to the country because as you keep telling us, it's for our own good.

Yours faithfully,

Arnold T. Heist.

P.S. Happy upcoming Winter Celebration Day for the 25th.